Infertility Support For Men On Father’s Day

When a couple is struggling to have a baby, often the feelings of the male partner are overlooked entirely, or given little attention. It may take some men longer to feel the emotional impact of infertility, and others may not feel comfortable sharing their pain with their partner, or anyone for that matter. That’s why we asked Dr. Marie Davidson of Fertility Centers of Illinois to offer advice and much needed support for men who battling either their own infertility, or their partner’s – and who might be having a difficult time this Father’s Day.

Dr. Davidson has worked with hundreds of couples as a fertility counselor and licensed clinical psychologist for more than 20 years. She shared a story from when she spoke at a meeting about the gender difference in timing of emotional impact from infertility:

At the break, a man came up to me and said, “For a time, it seemed my wife was a mess and I was the rock, but over time it shifted. As she learned to cope with the ups and downs, I was starting to feel worse. And then I just about lost it at my nephew’s Little League game. That’s when I knew I was feeling as terrible as my wife had over a year ago.”

We asked Davidson about how men process infertility and how partners can offer support:

Why do men lag behind emotionally during infertility?

In general, men tend to maintain a higher level of optimism for longer than their wives.  It’s a well-documented gender difference in couples. That optimism protects men from some of the anxiety their wives are experiencing.

What are common male coping strategies?

Men are better at shutting off the worrying about infertility and treatment, so they can “get away” from it while they are at work—work can be a coping strategy. Women take their worry along with them to work. Men are also better at finding more peace with leisure pursuits (sports, exercise, hanging out with friends), where they usually don’t talk about fertility issues. Women tend to think about the fertility obstacles all the time.

How do coping strategies for men differ compared to women?

Women usually find that talking about the infertility and treatment is helpful (as long as it is with someone who is supportive) and men typically do not want to talk so much. Women often find social occasions difficult, especially where there are babies or talk of babies. Men handle these better overall and may even enjoy them.

How do men experiencing infertility feel during Father’s Day?

It depends. They are less attached to the day as a loss for them (if they are not yet a father) than women are. If all their friends are already dads, that could be a problem for them. Father’s Day is just not as emotionally-laden a holiday as Mother’s Day so it is easier to avoid negative feelings.

He always says he’s fine – how do I know if he really is upset?

You might notice some changes in his demeanor or behavior, and that’s a clue.  But better to take him at his word and not dig.

Is it better to talk during Father’s Day or leave it alone?

Do something to honor his father, if that is appropriate. And perhaps talk a bit about how much you look forward to celebrating him one day as a father.

He’s always more optimistic than me. Why?

Men just are—it’s one way they cope! He may think you are too pessimistic, but that’s your coping strategy, otherwise known as preparing for the full range of outcomes.  Over time, men catch up and there is more overlap with the emotional experience of their wives.

Should I ask him how he is doing and feeling?

Probably not—men usually are not keen on talking about their feelings.

How can I get him to talk more about his feelings?

If there was a simple answer to that, we’d have a much lower rate of marital misunderstandings. Perhaps the best way to encourage that is to say, “I know I tell you about my feelings a lot and I appreciate your support, but I wonder about you and your feelings.”  Then stop and wait, See what he says. But don’t press.

Can acknowledging his support help him feel better?

It makes everyone feel better to be appreciated, but don’t just tell him on holidays. Tell him often how much his support and listening to you helps you cope.

How can I support him in a meaningful way?

Be considerate and appreciative on a daily basis.  When a couple is going through a difficult time, it can make a huge difference to practice the small daily kindnesses that keep a relationship warm and positive.

What activities can we do to lift his spirits?

Ask him what he’d like to do. Maybe it’s dinner with his father. Maybe it’s a special date with you. If you want to be really generous, tell him it’s okay with you if he wants to go golfing with some buddies.

I’m sad too. How can I be strong for him when I’m overwhelmed with my own pain?

It goes back to those small kindnesses. Give him a hug and tell him that his support makes you feel stronger.  Remind him (and yourself) that you are already a family and that one thing you share is the desire to be parents and share your love with a child.